Probably the toughest process you'll ever be faced with would be to help one of your parents manage the loss of her spouse. Naturally, this is going to be a traumatic time for the entire family because as much as mom lost her husband and the father of her children, you have lost your father and you have grief yourself.
How do we help your mom and grandma to your kids get through this very difficult transition?
It will be a time when you'll need the understanding and support of your spouse and kids too. And just as the grief you are dealing with in yourself and in your now widowed mother is hard, you also have to be strong and brave for your children also.
This is the purpose of the funeral because through the good words of the minister, those not as close to the family feel closure that this good life has gone on to his reward.
If your dad was ill and going through a lot of pain, there is often a sense of relief that he is no longer hurting. And if the family is strong in a religious faith, that reassurance of the afterlife is a source of comfort also.
Only you will be able to gauge how much support or comfort your widowed mother needs in the days just after the passing. It’s important to remember that grief surfaces in strange ways. Many times the real deep grief does not surface at the funeral or even in the days just after as family stays around to be close and go through group processing of the loss of a loved one.
It’s when family goes home and the routine of daily life sets in that you should plan to be very accessible to your parent. That is when the emotions of grief will surface in the quiet and privacy of the home.
It might be advisable in this kind of situation that you live with the grieving parent for period of a week or two to help with the transition.
Another thing about grief is that it is selfish. While we put a noble face on it and say we are mourning “for” the lost one, the truth is the grief is really for the one who remains because it is she who has to learn to pass through life’s routines without that spouse.
By being present during mealtime and those little moments of the day, you can “talk through” the different times when your widowed parent remembers that the dearly departed was part of this part of life.
There will be a lot of rebuilding during those first months of being alone. So you as caregiver can certainly help that change by not permitting the times of being lonely be so long between visits. Obviously, your parent will eventually have to be able to get through the rituals of life alone. But be there for her to make sure that transition is not so jarring.
But even if your parents were stoic at the funeral and only show a happy face to the grandkids, there will come a time when she has to cry. Be there for her.
Don’t attempt to come up with any “comforting words.” Just being present, maybe doing the dishes or pouring each of you a glass of wine could possibly be the greatest comfort you can give.
Finally talk about the dearly departed. Ministers know the value of talking about the fun, interesting and wonderful things about the dearly departed. It is a way of reminding ourselves that he didn’t really go away. The memory of him will be here forever in your hearts.
So take some evenings and sit down with that box of family photos and go through them with the widowed parent and have a good laugh about the different events of your family history when you were just a little squirt and the parents were young and good looking kids themselves.
The thrill of these times will be significantly healing for the grieving senior as well as for you too. But by going through grief, healing, closure and moving forward together, you bond with your parent and lay the groundwork for the important care giving challenges you and she will face together in the months and years to come. But you will face them and you will overcome them because you are going to do it together.
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